BARTENDER: Listen honey, you yell at me like that again and I’ll show you why God gave me the backs of my hands

GIRL: I’m going home with you.
BARTENDER: I can’t, I have the flu.
GIRL: Does your dick have the flu?

BARTENDER: Was everything all right?
DRUNK GIRL: Yeah, except you’re a condescending douche bag.

BARTENDER:  Aren’t you scared you’re going to get caught?

GUY:  Shit no.  Man, I’m so lucky I could jump into a barrel of dicks and come out sucking a titty!

GUY 1: Didn’t you follow that chick all the way to Australia?
GUY 2: Yeah. But I was really fucked up out of my mind at the time.

BARTENDER: What did you tell Santa you want for Christmas?

GIRL:  The list with all the naughty boys on it…

BARTENDER:  Did you read the Penn State affidavit about Sandusky?

GUY:  Yeah.  It should have been called “Raping Children for Dummies.”

GUY 1:  This article says women don’t need our sperm anymore.

BARTENDER:  Looks like women don’t need us.

GUY 2:  Yeah….except to kill spiders and fix trucks.

GUY:  If we could harness the creative power that black mothers have for making up names, and apply it to any other purpose, we would all be living on Mars!

BARTENDER:  So in summation…you got bear mace in your dick?

GUY:  Yep.

GIRL:  You said you would drink half my shot of Jameson.

BARTENDER:  Why would I drink after some hooker from Tennessee?

FEMALE BARTENDER: What kind of shot can I get you?
VET: Whatever I can lick off you.
FEMALE BARTENDER: Whoa! It’s Veterans Day, not Sexual Harassment Day.

BARTENDER: I saw you leave with 3 girls last night.
GUY: I’m gonna have to get my shit checked out, bro. And for the first time, I’m scared I might not come out street legal.

GIRL:  You’re such an asshole.

BARTENDER:  What is this bitch saying?  I’m not fluent in Skank.

BARTENDER: You have kids?

GUY:  The baby I aborted would be about 24.

BARTENDER:  That’s kinda fucked up, man.