BARTENDER: Listen honey, you yell at me like that again and I’ll show you why God gave me the backs of my hands
GIRL: I’m going home with you.
BARTENDER: I can’t, I have the flu.
GIRL: Does your dick have the flu?
BARTENDER: Was everything all right?
DRUNK GIRL: Yeah, except you’re a condescending douche bag.
BARTENDER: Aren’t you scared you’re going to get caught?
GUY: Shit no. Man, I’m so lucky I could jump into a barrel of dicks and come out sucking a titty!
GUY 1: Didn’t you follow that chick all the way to Australia?
GUY 2: Yeah. But I was really fucked up out of my mind at the time.
BARTENDER: What did you tell Santa you want for Christmas?
GIRL: The list with all the naughty boys on it…
BARTENDER: Did you read the Penn State affidavit about Sandusky?
GUY: Yeah. It should have been called “Raping Children for Dummies.”
GUY 1: This article says women don’t need our sperm anymore.
BARTENDER: Looks like women don’t need us.
GUY 2: Yeah….except to kill spiders and fix trucks.
GUY: If we could harness the creative power that black mothers have for making up names, and apply it to any other purpose, we would all be living on Mars!
BARTENDER: So in summation…you got bear mace in your dick?
GUY: Yep.
GIRL: You said you would drink half my shot of Jameson.
BARTENDER: Why would I drink after some hooker from Tennessee?
FEMALE BARTENDER: What kind of shot can I get you?
VET: Whatever I can lick off you.
FEMALE BARTENDER: Whoa! It’s Veterans Day, not Sexual Harassment Day.
BARTENDER: I saw you leave with 3 girls last night.
GUY: I’m gonna have to get my shit checked out, bro. And for the first time, I’m scared I might not come out street legal.
GIRL: You’re such an asshole.
BARTENDER: What is this bitch saying? I’m not fluent in Skank.
BARTENDER: You have kids?
GUY: The baby I aborted would be about 24.
BARTENDER: That’s kinda fucked up, man.